I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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