ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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