this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
