I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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