remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
