Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
