anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
