My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize