Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
