id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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