when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Come share oat with me in your robe
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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