I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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