Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Drunk is not a location!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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