Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
