this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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