Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize