Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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