If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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