I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I looked at my own cervix.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize