brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
this beer tastes like vomit already
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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