as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
