It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
