you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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