The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
