Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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