Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
