did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize