I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
nutella sex= disaster
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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