Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
