I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
