you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
