I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
