I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
