Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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