As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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