I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
