I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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