The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
