Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
