i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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