Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
