I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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