so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
