Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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