Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
