well I can't set my house on fire every night
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
