three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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