The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize