My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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