The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
