How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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