Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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