yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
