Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
