Will you blow on my dice?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
