my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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