Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
