Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
