Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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