Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
