He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
