I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
