you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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