I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
