i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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