A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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