Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
