After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize