His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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