Whod you bang
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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