Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
