I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
