saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
