How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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