Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
