I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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