Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
last night I used snow as a chaser
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
